Ugly Read online

  I pick up the menu and begin to look over it. These are all foreign to me, I’m not entirely sure what I’ll like and what I won’t.

  I sense someone standing beside me, but my attention is on the menu in my hands. “Why don’t you take a picture, it lasts longer,” Trent says in an angry tone.

  Instantly my shoulders come up and I feel an icy, cold brush of fright touch my skin as I recognize the cold, angry tone. I sit back in my seat and put my head down further.

  “My apologies,” I hear someone say.

  Chancing a look, I peer over the menu to see Trent furiously looking at the waiter who’s standing beside me. “Yeah, you better be, fucker.”

  “Trent,” I whisper, too frightened to make eye contact.

  Out of my peripheral vision I can see Trent’s face ease, his jaw softens and his shoulders drop as he takes in a deep breath. “We’ll have a large pepperoni and two Cokes,” Trent orders, without asking me.

  “It’ll be out in a moment,” the waiter says, then walks away.

  There’s an uncomfortable quiet between the two of us. I don’t know what to say. He got angry at that waiter for no reason, and then ordered for me. Lucky he did order, because I have no idea what I’d like.

  “Are you angry with me?” he finally breaks the stony silence.

  I shake my head. I want to ask why he said what he did, but I opt to remain quiet and not say anything.

  “He was looking at you,” Trent answers my unasked question. “And I don’t like it.”

  “I’m sorry,” I instantly reply.

  “Don’t worry about it, let’s just eat our pizza and enjoy the movie.” I nod and look at Trent. He’s visibly calmed and now he looks like the cute boy I met at the bus stop on the way home.

  “What movie are we going to watch?” I ask, trying to make conversation to take his mind off the waiter looking at me. I know we talked about a movie, hopefully he has an idea what’s playing, because I don’t.

  “It’s a new comedy. I saw the preview for it and it looks really funny. Is that okay with you?” He reaches over and lays his hand out for me to lay my palm in his hand. Slowly I lift my hand and put it in his. “This feels nice,” he adds with a smile.

  “It does?” I ask, chancing a look up at Trent from beneath my lashes.

  “It feels nice to me. I like holding your hand. Don’t you like it?”

  The same waiter comes back and sets down two tall glasses with Coke in them. I sip mine through a straw and the bubbly, fizzy drink feels funny on my tongue. I giggle when I take a bigger sip and Trent looks at me with his head slightly tilted.

  “It tickles,” I say, as I sip some more of the soda.

  He scrunches his eyebrows together and asks, “You’ve never had a soda before?”

  “I think I have. I can’t remember. It tastes funny. But it tickles.”

  “It tickles?” he asks with his own big smile. I nod and take another sip. “Don’t have too much; it’ll make you feel sick.” He strokes his thumb up and down the back of my hand.

  It’s different. Not the feel of the drink, my taste buds are used to it now. But the fact there’s someone who’s saying things to me and making me feel like more than just the stupid, ugly person I am.

  “It feels nice to me. I like holding your hand. Do you like it?” Trent asks sweetly.

  A smile bursts from him, uncontrollably erupting. I can feel the foreign riot of emotions dancing inside of me. “Yeah I do,” I quietly say.

  Suddenly, my heart begins to race and I feel a patch of heat settle over my cheeks. Trent’s brown eyes smile at me as the warmth from his touch reaches a part of me I never knew existed. There’s a heat inside my body, an emotion I have never felt.

  “Your pepperoni pizza,” the waiter says as he sets a large round tray in front of us, then places two plates down.

  “Wow,” I say as I take in the large pie. It’s huge. I don’t recall the last time I saw so much food on a table. Well, not where I was welcomed to have any.

  “It’s really yummy, here.” Trent picks up a slice and places it on my plate.

  The smell alone is beyond intoxicating. I can’t wait to try it. I lift it, and the excess cheese drips onto my hand. The heat burns my fingertips, but I just can’t wait to taste it.

  My stomach makes a small rumbling sound just as I take a bite, and I pray no one heard just how hungry I am.

  “It’s good, right?” Trent asks through a mouthful of food.

  “Mmmm, it really is.” I take another bite and really savor the flavors of the pie.

  I can’t believe I end up eating three whole slices. I don’t think I’ve ever eaten so much. My pants feel really tight around my stomach, and I think I need to undo my button. “Ready for dessert?” Trent asks.

  “Dessert? I don’t think I can fit anything more in my tummy.”

  Trent laughs and lifts his glass to have a sip of his Coke. “Okay, no dessert. But, you have to have some popcorn at the movies.”

  I smile. I can’t wait to try it.

  “Ready to go?” Trent asks as he stands.

  “Yes, thank you.” I stand and Trent links his fingers through mine. We make our way over to the cash register where the waiter who served us is waiting for us.

  “How was your meal?” he asks me.

  “You don’t talk to her, you ask me,” Trent half shouts, pulling me behind him as he steps in front of me.

  “How was your meal?” The waiter asks Trent in a sarcastic tone.

  “Watch your damn mouth. I’m a paying customer, and if you’re not nice to me and my girl, I’ll have you fired.”

  His girl? I’m not his girl. I’m just Lily. Stupid, ugly Lily.

  “That’ll be twenty-five dollars,” the waiter says, though now his tone sounds bored and dismissive.

  Trent takes his wallet out and I see he gives him the exact amount. “I would’ve given you a tip, but you eye-fucked the wrong girl.” He turns, and almost pushes me out the door.

  “Whatever, man,” I hear the pizza-shop worker say to our retrieving backs.

  “Bastard. I should go in there and teach him a lesson.” Trent’s fingers squeeze my hand, tightening to the point of pain.

  “Let’s just go to the movies and enjoy our night,” I encourage him, taking a step toward the cinemas, trying to pull him away.

  “Yeah, alright.” He nods his head, but looks back over his shoulder toward the pizza place.

  We walk hand in hand toward the theater and I can sense Trent calming down. He loosens his grip on my hand and his steps become slower.

  “Thank you for inviting me out,” I say.

  “I like you, Lily. I think you’re real pretty, really nice, and easy to talk to.” I smile, because I haven’t said much. “Here we are,” Trent says, holding the door open for me to enter before he does.

  We go up the escalators to get our tickets, and Trent also gets two sodas and a huge tub of popcorn. When we get into the movie and find our seats, Trent lifts the arm rest separating us and throws his hand over the back of my chair.

  I smile to myself, because for the first time ever, I actually feel wanted.

  The movie was fun and I ate way too much popcorn and drank my soda. As Trent and I leave, a realization quickly washes over me.

  “Are you okay?” Trent asks as we get off the bus and head in the direction of my home.

  I simply nod, but Trent can tell something’s not right because he keeps quiet and every few minutes he turns to look at me.

  “I can tell you’re not okay. What is it? Maybe I can help.”

  “It’s nothing, really.” I don’t want to tell him about my Dad, how I live, or that I’m going home to darkness and an empty house. I don’t want to tell him how the moment I step inside the house I’m filled with dread because my surroundings are as hopeless as how my soul feels. “But, you can drop me off here, I’ll be fine. There’s no need to walk me all the way home.”

  “It’s after dark, this
isn’t really the best neighborhood and I’d feel better knowing you got home okay.”

  “There’s nothing wrong with my neighborhood,” I protest angrily.

  “I’m not saying it’s bad, it’s just not great.”

  “Honestly, I’m fine. I’ve lived here all my life, and nothing’s ever happened.”

  Trent lets go of my hand, tilting his head to the side and lifting his eyebrows. The look makes me laugh. “I’m not taking no for an answer,” he says, giving me a cute look.

  Slumping my shoulders, I know he’s not going to let this go until he’s walked me home. “Okay,” I finally relent. I mean, what bad could come from it?

  As we walk home, Trent and I talk about the movie and I tell him what I really liked about it. It was an experience in itself, being in an unlit room with all those other people. As we round the corner on my street and get closer to home, I see Dad’s car is in the driveway.

  Damn, he’s not supposed to be home tonight! Why is he home?

  My legs suddenly become leaden and I find it difficult to take those steps toward my house. My heartbeat accelerates and I can feel sweat beading on my forehead.

  No, no, no. Please be asleep. Please be asleep.

  “Are you okay? You’re shaking,” Trent says, as he squeezes my hand in his.

  I simply nod, but keep my eyes glued to screen door of my house. When Trent and I are two houses away, Dad opens the front door and steps out on the small porch. He looks down the street, then up straight in my direction.

  At first he looks past me and away, he then runs his hand over his face and through his hair. Within seconds he whips his head back to me, finally registering that I’m walking home with a boy. Instantly I let go of Trent’s hand and hang my head down.

  “What the hell is going on?” Trent whispers to me, trying not to draw attention to me.

  “Nothing, please go,” I respond in a frantic, pleading way.

  “Like hell, Lily. Tell me what’s going on?”

  “Where have you been?” Dad yells at me.

  “Just go,” I whisper to Trent. Wrapping my arms around my body, I take off toward home, leaving Trent and not looking behind me.

  “Lily,” he calls, but I ignore him.

  I get home, climb the first creaky step and Dad’s blocking my path inside. “Imagine my surprise when I get home, and a certain ugly little bitch isn’t here,” he says, but his tone is slightly slurred. I know he’s been drinking, which means I know what I’m in for.

  “Sorry,” I mumble with my head lowered, not daring to look into his angry eyes.

  “Get inside,” he spits as he puts his hands on his hips. I still don’t dare look at him, but I can see his movements from the corner of my vision. His stance alone tells me he’s angry and his words just confirm it.

  I’m in for it now.

  School today has dragged on. It seems like the hours haven’t moved at all. Every time I look at the clock it seems like it’s stuck on five past two. It doesn’t move.

  I look down at my math book, look up and it’s five past two. Mr. Daniels, my math teacher explains an entire problem, how to break it down and how to work it out, and when I look at the clock, it still says five past two.

  Why is the hand not moving? Why is time standing still?

  I tap my pencil on my book, and look out the window. The rays of the sun are reaching my desk, and the chatter of other students melts into white noise. I really can’t wait until I see Trent today.

  All weekend all I could think about was Trent. What he was doing, if he was thinking about me and mostly, I was hoping. Praying he didn’t think I was ugly and stupid, because of the way I left him.

  Finally I hear the last bell for the day, and I walk as fast as I can to the bus. Sitting at the front, I try and blend in, so no one notices me. No one ever does, but there have been times when the pretty girls, who dress nicely, look at me and snicker among themselves.

  The bus fills at a steady pace, and it feels like I’ve been sitting here for three hours just waiting for the bus driver to leave. Of course, it’s only been a few minutes.

  As the bus pulls out onto the road, something funny happens to me. I get butterflies flapping their wings crazily in my tummy. And I can feel a smile bloom and widen as the bus halts at every stop, bringing me closer to mine.

  My tummy back flips, knowing in a few minutes I’ll see Trent. I stand and wait by the door as the bus begins to slow, cruising into the stop.

  As the bus rolls to a stop, I see Trent standing under the shelter. He has his school bag on his shoulder, and his arms crossed in front of his chest. His light brown hair is flapping against the wind and he looks like he’s waiting for me. Well, I hope he’s waiting for me.

  “Hi,” he says when he sees me get off the bus. “How was school?”

  “It was kind of boring today, I really wasn’t paying attention to anything.” I look down and smile as we begin to walk toward my house.

  “Why is that?” Trent teases as he nudges me with his shoulder.

  “I just had a really good time at the movies, and I was kind of hoping you did, too.”

  “I did, I had a great time.” I smile. “Here, let me.” Trent takes my backpack and continues walking. “There’s something I’m concerned about though.” Oh crap. “What is it with you and your dad? The moment you saw him, all the color drained from your face and I knew something wasn’t right.”

  I shrug my shoulders and avoid his intense stare. “Nothing really.”

  Trent stops walking and grabs me by my upper arm. “Does he touch you?” he asks, his tone angry and his eyes wild with fury. “Does he fucking touch you?” His voice heats with pure rage.

  “No,” I answer, though it’s not entirely the truth. But I know what Trent is asking, and Dad has never touched me sexually.

  “Don’t fucking lie to me, Lily. If he’s tried to…”

  “No, he hasn’t,” I interrupt before he can say those disgusting words. “It’s not like that,” I add, stopping any thoughts of Dad doing that to me.

  “Then what is it? Tell me so I can understand what it is you’re going through.”

  “You can’t understand, no one can. It’s just how things are.”

  “I can help you, Lily. If it’s bad, I can help.”

  “You can help me? No one can help me. Seriously, it’s okay. Don’t worry about it.” I shake my head and continue to walk toward my house.

  “Look,” Trent exhales and jogs to catch up to me. “Here, take this.” He thrusts a phone into my hand. “My number is programmed into it, and if you ever need me, just call.”

  I stop walking and look at the tiny phone in my hand. “I wouldn’t even know how to begin to use this,” I say looking at it, and then back at Trent. “Thank you for the gesture.” I hand the phone back.

  “No way am I taking it back. Here’s the charger and the phone number is written on the back of it.” I turn it over to see a phone number scribbled on the back. “It’s easy to use, here.” He takes it, and shows me what I need to do to call him. “I got that number for you, so only you and I have it. No one else. And don’t give it to anyone either.”

  “Okay,” I say as I slide the phone into my pocket. Trent puts the charger in my bag.

  “Whenever you need me, you just call me. You probably don’t trust me enough to tell me what it is that goes on in your home, but one day, and soon, I hope you’ll tell me.”

  I keep my eyes down and keep walking. “Thank you. If I need you, I’ll call.”

  “Great. Now Wednesday nights I train for the hockey team, and I’d really like you to come and watch.”

  “You would?”

  “Yeah, well yeah…”

  I smile as we round the corner to my street. “I’ll see if I can, but I can’t make any promises.”

  “That’s cool.” Trent goes quiet and he walks me to the front of my house. Dad’s car isn’t here, so I know I’m safe for a while. “Um, this is my house.”<
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  “Ahhh, um… Um, can I kiss you, Lily?” Trent asks shyly.

  I feel my face turn bright red, heat immediately going to my cheeks. No one has ever kissed me before. Never. I’ve never even had a kiss from Mom or Dad. I don’t have grandparents or aunties or uncles. So I’ve never experienced anything like a kiss. And now, a boy wants to kiss me.

  “Um,” I say, not really sure I want him to kiss me.

  “Just on the cheek, nowhere else.”

  I count to ten in my head, just letting the nervousness settle before I nod my head. On the cheek is okay, but I’m nowhere near ready to have a kiss on the lips. That’s too much. And I don’t want him to think I’m like some of those girls at school. I hear what they’re up to, and how many boys they do things with. I’m not like them, I’m different.

  Trent steps closer, and instinctually I take a counter step back.

  “I won’t hurt you, Lily,” he says as his right hand rubs up and down my left arm.

  “It’s okay.” I sort of tell myself.

  Trent steps closer, and this time I stay still, not moving. I close my eyes and just wait until I can feel his mouth on my cheek. His touch is incredibly soft, a tiny warm breath spreads against my flushed skin. His lips stay connected to my blazing cheek for no longer than it takes the human heart to beat.

  “Thank you,” he mumbles near my ear. I let out a sigh, and take a deep breath in. “It wasn’t that bad, was it?” he asks and chuckles.

  “No, it was nice.”

  He holds my hand for a minute before handing over my school bag. “I’ll see you tomorrow, after school?” he asks.

  “Of course,” I say as I take a step closer to my house. Trent stays on the sidewalk and watches me as I go to the door.

  “See you tomorrow, beautiful Lily,” he calls after me.

  I smile and go inside to start on my homework, but what I’ll really be doing is thinking about that amazing kiss and hoping next time, I may be strong enough to kiss Trent on the lips.

  Lying on my bed, I let my eyes drift shut. A stark, cold silence has fallen over every inch of the house. I turn on my bed and look through the worn curtains. The dark outside is broken by the soft beams of the shimmering moon.